She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
