I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Duck Duck Cougar?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
