he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
