He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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