Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
