Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
