id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
