A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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