o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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