the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
