I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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