I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
