I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
