I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
