There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
