Soap is not a condiment
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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