I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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