So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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