There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
