I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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