good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
