You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
