first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
