her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she woke up with a sticky ear
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
