I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
