at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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