he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
