oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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