This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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