I cockslap morals
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
