You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
