Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
