Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I want her autograph on my taint
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
