onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
