Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
