Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
