i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
