He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
