Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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