I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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