My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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