Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
