just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
