You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
