so explain again why im purple
no
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Randomize
