Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've blown a few things in my day
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
either way he was missing a nipple.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
