My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
