He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
