So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
