If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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