My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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