mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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