mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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