omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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