When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
