happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
