I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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