They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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