Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
