Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
