Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
kristin has been a bad kristin
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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