This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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