New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
