so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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