Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I don't deserve a penis
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
