I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Randomize
