Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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