It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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