Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
